At school, I was taught to use elegant variation - not repeating the same phrase exactly in a passage of writing, to make it more interesting. When I was later trained as a technical author, I learnt the opposite: use standard phrases so you don't confuse the reader.

Spammers have a vested interest in elegant variation (how many synonyms can they invent for male appendages for example?) - which - they hope - gets them past the spam filters so many people use. Some of the results are accidentally quite poetic - if somewhat lacking in understanding of 'English as she is spoke'. This one caught my eye:

"Greetings, brakes a software? Qualitative replacement is necessary!"

I guess they really meant "Hey you, is your computer knackered? Buy some illegal software from us and we'll finish the job for you, guaranteed cheap." But I have a vision of some robed sage declaiming the phrase out of a lighted window in sonorous tones!

"English and grammer software

http://whatabunchofspeciouscrap.com

Sale 25% Discount

Our World Wide patent writing tools enable simple sentences to become more sophisticated and professional.

Enhance your writing with:
Grammar check
Thesaurus
Spell check
English Dictionary
Templates
Punctuation corrections
Improved clarity" - from today's spam, and the fictitious, or at least syntax-errored, Mr Write Right [Andrew%20Goefferies@whatabunchofspeciouscrap.com]

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent - or at least to deny our Andy the pleasure of any web traffic.)

"Very discrete shipping and billing" - spam message subject

Actually, what the twerp is suggesting is discretion, not discreteness, for his/her dubious pharmaceutical products. However, I guess that the target market is probably not known for its intellectual or grammatical abilities.

Discrete means separate, distinct, self-contained - as in "the population of Uplyme parish lives in several discrete settlements, including Uplyme proper, Holcome, Harcombe and Rocombe".

Discreet means hidden, private or covert, as in "your package of expensive fake pharmaceuticals will be delivered in a discreet brown envelope, so no-one will know how sad you are."

I think that some of the confusion may come from that close relative of discreet: discretion - which has ony one "e".

"Any Form. Any Document. Anywhere. Anytime.

You are global and local
You are agile and regulated
You are speed and quality
You are growth and lean"

You're what?

Who was paid to write this gibberish I wonder? I came across the Teleform site as I'm writing a user guide for a client. I thought I might find out more what the product did, but instead, I came across this wonderful jargon-fest:

"Cardiff Teleform is a cornerstone piece of the Cardiff Intelligent Document solution.   It is the only solution that allows you to unify all of your paper-based processes throughout the enterprise, even processes in different departments, businesses and geographies.   This unified approach ensures you a consistent experience and full auditability of all of your processes.  TeleForm’s bullet-proof enterprise-class design ensures zero down time and unlimited scalability as the number of documents flowing through TeleForm increases. "

I nominate this for the Golden Bull Award. It's as stuffed with meaningless clichés as a plum pudding is with dried fruit. Yummy.

I think it could be summarised as "This product assists your business by automating data capture from forms." But I could be wrong, of course.