One might think that people phishing for bank details would take some trouble to sound like an official body in their messages. How anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together would be taken in by this sort of thing is quite beyond me:

" Dear Customer:

Please click the link below to upgrade your online access with the new firewall. " - phishing message received today from Cooperative Bank plc - as if

I just love "fraudstars" - the person writing the message is obviously a real fraudstar! The tenuous grasp of English grammar, spelling and usage makes me think that, just perhaps, the originator is not actually British. And his or her lack of knowledge of how a firewall works is a bit of a giveaway too.

"DECEMBER - 'TIS THE SEASON
Unleash your forward thinking. Pick up the HOTLINE.
Find the best of Corbis... ahead of time.

December Highlights:

• Child Actors
• Baby Boomers turning 60
• Asian Tsunami Disaster Anniversary
• Davis Cup Final"

To call the anniversary of a natural catastrophe a "highlight" is, to me, incredibly insensitive. A highlight is, surely, suggesting something fun or exciting to look forward to, rather than an occasion for national mourning? I can just imagine all those advertising executives rubbing their hands in glee, which projects entirely the wrong image. Bad call, Corbis.

Related link: http://www.corbis.com

I have recently installed PaintShop Pro version 10, and I'm still getting used to its vagaries. I was rather amused by this small but perfectly formed message that popped up yesterday when I was wanting to save a file:

The only point of the message seems to be clicking the button to dismiss it: all a bit too Zen for me. It's quite lovable in an annoying puppy sort of way!

I was mildly amused by a junk message I received this morning: look at the screen shot and see if you think the title ("Optimisation: a clear view on SEO") and the content (as seen in Outlook with normal junk mail settings) are contradictory!

No matter what the medium is, you can't get your message across without a detailed understanding of what other people will see, not just what happens on your own computer. These guys - http://www.leadbank.co.uk/ - clearly don't, which makes me wonder how thorough their understanding of the web is.

"... as we continued walking along to the Cobb, [we were] disappointed that the intimate character, visual interest, groins and features that appealed so much to children was all gone, replaced by a bland characterless pile of shingle ..." - Letter to Lyme News, Sept 15th 2006

I have visited Lyme many times, and the groynes were certainly interesting - but not necessarily the groins. Oh well - something to bring a smile to the readers of the local paper; and also to prove that you do actually need to read what you write before committing it to print.

I am continually amused, baffled and irritated in equal measures by artspeak: that special brand of pretentious adjective-laden language employed by writers about the arts. Take this example I noticed the other day:

"The ... paintings ... are without concern for mimetic skills or for evoking literary sentiments from the freely arranged colours, forms and perspectives, whose final combinations using oil paints on canvas are aiming for a reality which is joyously decorative, almost pretty in style." - Bridport Open Studios 2006 Venue Guide

Huh - what's that all about? Looking at the accompanying illustration, I can sum it up in a few words: "Impressionistic oil paintings of landscapes in bright colours". OK, we don't want to reduce everything to plain words, and it might be interesting to know about the painter's motives - but you'd never know what drove him from the above nonsense.

Anything that mentions 'vibrant', 'exciting', 'powerful', 'energised', 'bejewel', 'groundbreaking' and similar terms (all from the same publication) - without actually saying what you might see when you get there - is a waste of words, in my opinion!

(And anyone who uses 'whose' for inanimate concepts, and 'which' instead of 'that' should try to do better next time.)

"In conjunction with FSB and Business Link, Dorset Business have put together an exciting event covering all you need to know about what's hot and what's not with business websites.

By the end of the session you should have an understanding of the concepts to better position your website; how to set and achieve realistic goals; how to successfully market and promote your site using free and chargeable methods, an insight into the new and emerging world of bloggs." - Business Link Wessex Email Bulletin

So new, they haven't even worked out to spell it yet. The writer cannot blame his spellchecker, since although Bloggs is commonly used as a generic name (both Fred and Joe), bloggs never has been.

And as for "what's hot and what's not" - that takes me back to the days when Netscape was all shiny and new. I can't help feeling that using two such antiquated forms to publicise an event about current technology is misjudged. Or was he being retro and ironic? I think not.

As you've been good and read this far without complaining, I won't mention the split infinitive and scattergun punctuation in the second paragraph.

"I think we let out a lot of Trojan Horses when we opened that Pandora's Box" - Sir Norman Tebbit interviewed on The Frost Years, BBC Radio 4, a few minutes ago

I wonder if they also forgot to shut the stable door after the Trojan Horses had bolted?

My husband was talking to his former tutor at college at the weekend. He learnt that students are now officially called funding units (or FUs) - which says all you need to know about the state of vocational education in this country.

Such mealy-mouthed terms not only annoy me hugely, they also promote exactly the wrong mindset in everyone who uses and accepts them as normal. We seem, collectively, to be in danger of forgetting that the whole purpose of education is, surely, to impart knowledge to people: not to get money for bums on seats?

September in England is the best time to gather blackberries (brambles) from the hedgerows and fields. Such delicious and free wild fruits are one of the few truly seasonal pleasures left to us in these days of year-round availability of produce from the supermarkets.

Blackberries and apple are a marriage made in heaven: redolent of autumn and truly delicious. Stewed together with a little water and sugar, they are delicious with cream, plain yoghurt or ice cream, or you can bake the mixture in pastry for a traditional blackberry and apple pie. But best of all is a crumble:

Rub 75 g of butter or margarine into 300g of plain flour. Stir in 2-3 tbspns sugar to taste, and 2 tbspns flaked or rolled oats. If you like the taste, add 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon.

Peel, core and slice 2 large or 3 small apples. Add about 100-150g washed and picked-over blackberries to the apples. Sweeten to taste (I prefer it on the sharp side to contrast with the crumble, so about 2 tbspns sugar is plenty), and put in an overproof dish.

Spread the crumble mix over the top, and cook in a moderate oven (gas mark 3, 160°C) for about an hour, till the fruit is soft and the top starts to brown. Perfect with icecream, custard, or if you are lucky like me and live in the West Country, clotted cream!