I just visited a web site that came with its very own user manual, taking up the left third of the home page:

"How to best view this website

We designed this website to be viewed on a monitor with a screen resolution of 1024x768 or greater. Using a smaller screen resolution (800x600 or 640x480) may result in the navigation buttons located above this statement to be hidden. Most monitor screen resolutions can be adjusted.

For Macintosh:
Click on the apple in the top left corner to access the control panel. Then click on monitors and adjust the screen resolution to a minimum of 1024x768.

For PC's:
Right click on the desktop and click properties. Then click on settings and adjust the screen resolution to a minimum of 1024x768.

Other helpful suggestions: Close or minimize other windows. Increase the browser display window by clicking on the top right button to maximize it to your monitor or stretch the screen manually by dragging the bottom right corner.

If you have any questions please contact: [webmaster]
Thank you."

You've heard of the KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Stupid) - anathema to this designer, obviously. He has instead gone by MIRCC: Make It Really Complicated, Cleverclogs.

The stupid thing is that they only need this raft of instructions because they came up with an inflexible and (rather amateurish these days) design. So I have a helpful suggestion of my own: "Take a running jump; I'm not changing my desktop just for you, mate".

http://www.christopherburkett.com/frames/b.html

- also a good illustration of why frames are a bad idea unless implemented knowledgeably. This page is easily found in Google for instance.

Today is the day for all UK citizens and residents to join in what might be the biggest single blog event in the UK: a bit like the mass observation diaries they used to keep last century. Find out more here:

http://www.historymatters.org.uk/output/page96.asp

As long as you record what you did today (in all its mind-numbing detail), you can upload it till the end of this month.

As a child, I found History rather a boring subject: but this project sounds like it could be fun, so go on, put fingers to keyboard and have a go!

"It's a wise country that doesn't put all its energy eggs in one basket." - Malcolm Wicks (energy minister, DTI) speaking on Today, BBC Radio 4

I've heard of mixed metaphors, but not proverbs. We have a treasured collection of silly snippets like this in the family: "high technology basket" is another. What is it with wicker and silly analogies?

"...discover our blissful flannel linen. Soft and warm to the touch, gorgeous brushed cotton. Utterly cosy. Combined with a Polar Fleece Blanket, the effect is unspeakable." - promotional email from The White Company

Just one word that entirely changes the mood, and is the antithesis of what was meant. Perhaps they thought that "unspeakable" is commonly taken to mean "rendered speechless with joy" rather than "too utterly horrible to put into words". Knowing the dictionary definition is not always enough!

Another tip for successful writing: run your words past someone else if you can, in the hope that they will catch unfortunate mistakes like this.

Related link: http://www.thewhitecompany.com/

"While I was in the middle of taking an extended series of black and white street portraits, over a period of several months with a 400 Takumar often combined with 1.4 or 2.0 extender that people I focused on saw me more often than not, before I could get a shot off ... I wanted to capture that magic moment before they realized their picture was being taken – or better yet – not at all" - Michael Thompson writing on the Luminous Landscape web site

I was going to be kind to the guy and pass over this mangled English, but when I visited his web site to be told my laptop screen is not good enough to view his works properly (and that I should notify him and take a test before linking to it - sheesh!), I thought, "Why not?"

Even if you are a keen photographer and know what he's going on about, I defy you to read the above and make instant sense. I had to read it several times before realising the proper meaning.

It is well-known that the originator of a text finds it hard to spot mistakes. So, if you don't have the luxury of a proof-reader or sub-editor, can I respectfully suggest that you read your words aloud to see if they mean what you intended - before committing them to paper or screen?

Related links:

http://www.luminous-landscape.com - one of my favo(u)rites, and the article in question

http colon slash slash www dot thebeautyofdestruction dot net
(not actually linking, since I have not emailed nor taken the test to do so in accordance with the owner's wishes)

In an idle moment the other day, I was watching (well, in the same room as the TV while it was on) "Celebrity Masterchef".

My attention was caught by a description of a dish from a well-known (though not to me, thank goodness) London restaurant, as follows:

"Smoked eel on fondant potatoes; with courgette purée, blackcurrant marmalade and pain perdu*"        (*eggy bread to you and me)

This is the cheffy equivalent of marketingspeak. It is also a complete bastardization of the principle of good food simply prepared.

I concede that it just might taste wonderful (one should hope so at £22 a pop). But it sounds like a haut cuisine version of the nightmare meal prepared from all the Friday leftovers in the fridge after you you went to the pub and had ten pints, coming home ravenous.

My leftovers never include eel or blackcurrants - but I can knock up a jolly fine bubble and squeak!

Related recipés: Eggy bread (a superior version), and bubble and squeak (from fresh ingredients: but much more satisfying using leftovers from your Christmas dinner or Sunday roast)

Related link: http://www.sketch.uk.com (what an arsy web site. Why am I not surprised?)

I'm currently doing some work on quick-start guides for VoIP phones for Gradwell. When you read the documentation that comes with the phone, you may realise why. This is from the User Guide for one model (take a deep breath before you start reading):

"Experienced telephony service network operators recognize that technical acumen coupled with responsive pre and post sales support are critical for a successful deployment. [Manufacturer]'s extensive interoperability track record with VoIP industry infrastructure leaders via standards based and platform specific SIP signaling enable network providers to quickly roll-out competitive, feature rich service offerings.

Featuring a mature feature set with hundreds of programmable parameters, the [model] utilizes the call processing functionality found in existing [Manufacturer] products. [Manufacturer] VoIP endpoint solutions solve many time-to-market requirements of enterprise users and leverage the advantages of an IP network like easy acceptance of station moves, presence and shared line appearances across geographically separate locations."

Call me stupid, but I can't see how this trowelful of marketing gobbledegook has any relevance at all to some poor sap sitting with a boxful of bits on the desk, and no idea of how to get the damn thing to work! Perhaps they pay their technical authors by the 1000 words rather than by any objective standard of usability?

Sports commentaries are always a rich source of amusement for those of us with an interest in English, and yesterday's coverage of the Chinese Grand Prix on ITV was no disappointment.

I imagine that the team send a gofer out to the cliché supermarket before every broadcast.

He or she returns staggering under the weight of newly minted and classic clichés, with side orders of mixed metaphors and tortured usage. These are then distributed to the commentators with strict instructions to use them all up by the end of the programme, or else.

Two that made me snort my tea:

"He [Robert Kubica] bet the house, and the house fell down on him"

"Fisichella is the meat in a very unpleasant sandwich"