"Technical Author - Contract

Based in Farnborough we are currently recruiting for a technical author who has had experience using Adobe Acrobat, Adobe Illustrator and FrameMaker. Candidates responding to this position will require full understanding of product development life cycle, the ability to re-illiterate technical documentations into basic documents for less technical body's to understand and have experience writing manuals and user guides for mobile phone products." - job ad on JobServe

What a joy - not only a greengrocer's apostrophe, but a neologism that means the exact opposite of what was presumably meant. For Christmas presents there's Mastercard - but re-illiterate: priceless!

They weren't joking when they said they needed a TA!

Thanks to my chum Steve Rickaby for finding this.

I was about to get all hot under the collar when I spotted this pricing on the Amazon web site last Friday!

Did it fool you? Of course, an ‘8’ with a strikethrough looks very like a ‘0’ with a strikethrough at normal screen resolution. Perhaps that’s why, in the good old days, zeroes used to have a diagonal line across them so you could tell the difference. Ah, the days of punched cards and teletypes.

Chorus in the background of "What are you on about, old person?"

From: Mrs Suzzy Howard [suzzyhoward214@mychurch.com]
Subject: I AWAITS YOUR RESPONSE AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVED MESSAGE

YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST
MRS.SUZZY HOWARD

Ms Howard (if such she is) is not only too thick to locate the Caps Lock, but her carefully crafted combination of mangled English, and nauseating appeals to my Christianity, compassion and (anti-?)American  patriotism, is an immediate turn-off. I sincerely wish her (or him) a long slow death from the imaginary disease described above. Or perhaps God will strike her down with a thunderbolt. But I expect he's too busy worrying about blasphemous teddies.

I cannot understand how anyone would be taken in by this gross rubbish! I even got a similar hard luck tale though the post the other day. At least they wasted a stamp rather than my time deleting emails.

Number 3 in an occasional series: 1 was staplers, and 2 was caravans.

I was amused to see in the latest fURNITURE@work catalogue™ that office chairs obviously have very high opinions of themselves - well, some at least.

In the lead, we have some very noble cities: Torino, Rome, Milano, Quebec, Athlone, Dresden, Paris etc; while a rather less glamorous herd canter behind: Mansfield, Southport, Cromer and Guildford for example. The Scottish Isles are coming up on the rails with Arran, Lewis, Skye, plus hangers-on Piper and Laird. Then we have the stragglers: rather surreal and off-message, geographically speaking, with Salvo (built-in rocket launcher?), Nero (tends to fiddle), Cluedo (wastes time with board games) and Chakra (no comment).

What are you sitting on? And don't say "My arse", à la Ricky Tomlinson, please!

Shaun Greenhalgh was recently jailed for more than four years for passing off various art forgeries, mostly antiquities.

He was caught because his father took three allegedly Assyrian bas-reliefs to the British Museum for examination in 2005. Unfortunately, the experts spotted several 'spelling mistakes' in the cuneiform script, and the game was up.

So, you have been warned: be sure to use the Word spellchecker with the cuneiform dictionary if you intend to defraud a major museum.

Read more:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7090795.stm

In the heading of this blog, I promised you ceramic anteaters. Well, here they are at last:

I have been working hard in the pottery making and firing my little birds and beasties. Here are two kilnsworth on the bench, waiting to be packed up and delivered. The first consignment went to the Walford Mill Craft Centre on Monday ready for a Christmas exhibition. Others will be on their way soon to galleries in Honiton, Otterton, Alresford and Lyme Regis.

Any bloggers in Wimborne Minster this Saturday (3rd Nov) will find me in attendance at the Mill between 14:00-16:00.

These little items, much hated by pedants (or should that be pedant's?), are commonly thought to be a symptom of declining educational standards. Readers may therefore be interested to know that on the Antiques Roadshow of Sept 16th, one viewer brought in a catalogue of "Historical Curiosity's" from Alnwick Castle. It was dated 1770 and written by a well-bred - and presumably fairly well-educated - young woman.

So, Potatoe's, Cabbage's and Plum's have a respectable historical precedent.

[Edited] - a good one I saw today using plurals in a creative way: "Partie's catered for"

Greengrocer's apostrophe: the lowdown from Wikipedia

I recently got a request to update my info on some business directory. I usually check to see what they have recorded, even if I don't want to use the service.

This one was superficially a British site, but on checking my details, I got this message:

"Congratulation, your company updation request is sent..... "

A bit of a giveaway, and on further investigation, I think it's the front for an Indian company.

I guess the money for copywriting was all spent upfront, and no-one remembered to see what the programmers had written!

"Fifty people are dead as a result of violent weather that has raged across Yemen since early this month ... Fatalities and injuries caused by lightning strikes are also common due to the state's typography" - UPI news item, 25th August

Another example of when relying on a spell-checker is a bad idea - proof read it!

Thanks to my virtual friend Marjolein Katsma for spotting this.

I shall refrain from being really crass and commenting on the last item on that page ("next in Top News: Iraqi soldier kidnapped on Shiite holiday" - to be read in a Channel 4 announcer's Geordie accent for most impact).

Full article:

Severe weather kills 50 in Yemen

Part II in an occasional series onthe names of things, inspired by Gary Larson. Part I: Staplers

A few weeks ago, I spent a lot of time in traffic jams on the M6, and to pass the time, collected some names of caravans. Since then, I have added some more to my collection, and have found it quite an interesting exercise in branding.

Without going through the whole list, they seem to fall into several groups:

• The aspirational: Corniche, Stellar, Quasar
• The constitutional: Jubilee, Senator, Heritage, Pageant, Festival
• The butch and manly: Pioneer, Discovery, Challenger, Patriot
• The rural: Cheviot, Dalesman, Countryman, Highlander *
• The downright dangerous and asking for retribution: Firestorm, Tornado, Hurricane, [edited]: and another new one: Meteorite
• And to finish up: the frankly ludicrous: Pastiche. (Named after a Greek and Italian dish (pastitsio) made of leftovers, and basically meaning a mish-mash). And Avanté - what’s that?

Do you have a favourite name for a caravan? Polite suggestions only please.

"... see the future of web design and development.

Choose from 36 sessions delivered by some of the world's most inspirational designers and developers. These include Scott Guthrie, George Moore (Microsoft), Beau Ambur (Metaliq), Hoss Gifford (Third Eye Design and Flammable Jam), Jim McNiven (Kerb), Andy Hood (AKQA), Jason Arber (Pixel Surgeon), Paul Dawson (Conchango), Pete Barr-Watson (Microsoft) and Hugh MacLeod (Gaping Void). " - from a Microsoft e-newsletter

All you need to know about bleeding edge web design is encapsulated in the names of those companies - don't you think? Gaping void just about sums it up. I'd rather be informed and educated than inspired (or quite possibly frustrated) - but I'm an old fart, so what do I know?

Last night, I had a pottery-warming party to celebrate the rather wonderful working space that my husband has built for me in the garden. I asked my ceramic chums to bring some food for the table, and one contributed some nice biscuits, on the box of which I came across this blurb:

"The aroma of fresh baking plays on the sea breeze, bare feet leave imprints on the warm sand, and starched sheets reflect the afternoon sun. Trees cast blue shade in the yard and in the distance the sound of creaking floorboards and the rustle of leaves can be heard. Collecting seashells on the shore in the morning light, embroidering initials on white pillowcase [sic], sipping tea from tall glasses, chatting idly with no need to rush anywhere and watching the world gently turning, this is the best of all days - sitting with Elsa on the balcony and enjoying the quiet rhythms of life."

Phew - sounds exhausting to me! Not to mention the requirement for time travel to do all those things at once. I imagine someone in a stuffy office was given the job of dreaming up romantic nonsense.

You cannot currently find out more here.

With thanks to Gary Larson, whose Far Side cartoon "The names that dogs call themselves" inspired this post.

We have been managing with the same box of 5000 desk staples for about the past 10 years, so the purchase of a new box was quite an occasion (and all for 99p!). But before I binned it, I read the old carton, which yielded this legend:

"To fit Cartwright Brice 10-86 stapling machines. Also Rexel stapling machines: Jupiter, Taurus, Saturn, Matador, Sirius, Meteor, Miniplier, Cosmos, Long Arm 5616, Comet, Jaguar and Gazelle".

I had no idea that a humble desk accessory could have dreams of the stars or the veldt! Poor old double-barrelled CB though - no imagination there.

What are your favourite names for inanimate objects?

"The Winged Dolphin Being & Learning Centre (WDBLC) is run by Teachers and Healers dedicated to assisting humanity through their consciousness expansion and the integration of their Divine and Human Selves.

The Healers and Teachers in the WDBLC are highly trained and dedicated to assisting all who seek their truth and healing. Unlike classes and healings of the old energy, you will be lovingly guided in how to open up to, and hear the grandest teacher you will ever know ... ... YOURSELF! " - from the Winged Dolphin web site

Hmm: apart from the fact that their web site doesn't work properly in Firefox so you have to go in via the back door (mind the shamanistic wind chimes on your way in - and don't trip over the Sacred Power Lead), this is a wonderful example of what seems to me to be utter drivel. Enjoy.

"Essex single mum Chvonne is marrying hopeless romantic Darren. When they first met there was just one small snag - Chvonne was about to marry someone else. Even though this is her second time around, Chvonne wants a proper white wedding, with all the trimmings. Money's tight, so this bargain-hunter turns to eBay to create her dream. But with a large and complicated family, chaos is looming." - BBC Three listing for Wedding Stories.

It should be made compulsory for parents to read a dictionary of baby names before being allowed to register the birth. Otherwise, their offspring may be saddled with a hopelessly illiterate moniker.

I presume Chvonne (should there be an "a" in there somewhere?) is an attempt at the Irish Siobhan, made without reference to actually reading anything. I have seen "Shivaun" before - but "Chvonne"? Give me strength.

See also: Chav

P.S. I have two radio phone handsets - they are called Wayne and Darren!

Headline writers have a difficult tightrope to walk. Their words must be short and to the point, but nevertheless convey the right message. The Telegraph didn't get it quite right today, with:

"Police shoot to kill first woman"

- which immediately conjures up poor Eve clutching her bloodstained figleaf in Eden.

You can read the whole article here. What they actually mean, of course, is that this is the first woman - rather than man - who has been the subject (one can hardly say victim) of a 'shoot to kill' policy.

Seen on the local TV news at lunchtime - a stuffed shirt with the job title "Public Service Portfolio Holder" pontificating about the cost of fire services - so, my rates pay for some guy to stand around holding a folder, do they?

Watch the clip here. (Requires RealAudio player).

(My first silly job title is noted in this post.)

English is constantly evolving, and we see it in action over the renaming of public schools as private schools. I am not sure how long this has been going on - but it is very noticeable on the BBC (which I imagine has an office of approved words to go along with the pronunciation bureau). Especially now that education is in the political spotlight - the Tories are tearing themselves to pieces over grammar schools and New Labour is insisting that non-state schools should do more for their charitable status (apart from taking people out of the state system for which they've already paid).

Since 1364, public school has been used to denote any school to which a child might go upon payment of the necessary fees, irrespective of where he (and it usually was 'he' until more recently) lived, or of his religion. (Contrasted with private tuition within the home). And the term was well understood by most people in connection with the old established schools like Harrow, Eton, Rugby and so on.

So - are we now considered too stupid to understand the distinction? Or is it an attempt to whip up feeling against something to which we cannot all aspire (like private healthcare)?

And it isn't only the woolly liberals at the BBC: even that conservative publication The Telegraph has started using the term too - which really did surprise me.

M Sarkozy wants people to use the formal vous rather than the informal tu when addressing each other, to get more respec', man.

Well - we did that some time in the 17th or 18th century according to Wikipedia. So there.

(For those who can't be bothered to follow that up, "you" is the equivalent of "vous", and "thee" of "tu". Using the formal pronoun seems not to have increased respect in England, however.)

Here you go - a fresh dollop of words for you, on which to practise your grammar, punctuation and proof-reading skills:

"The FSB North Dorset Branch event at The Gryphon Centre, Sherbourne, 5 June 2007 7 for 7.30 p.m.

Sally Lever is a downshifting and sustainable living coach, specialising in working withpeople whoare leaving the Rat Race for a more sustainable existence.She writes articles, leads workshops and teleclasses and offers personal coaching to inspire and supportothers in finding a less stressful, more meaningful and fulfilling way of life. Sally's coaching practice is the forth smallbusiness that she has run andher experience in training and education spans 18 years.http://www.sallylever.co.uk/"

Fortunately, Ms Lever apparently has a rather better eye for detail than the clown who rushed out this FSB email. But isn't it fascinating what obscure jobs are around these days that no-one had thought of even ten years ago? If Douglas Adams had written the HHG today, he would not only need a B Ark, but a D, E, and possibly F Ark as well!

"Pay attention not only to the arrangement of the food itself but to the context that you put it in including the plate or bowel and any table settings around it." - from Food Photography, an Introduction, at the Digital Photography School

It is easy enough to make a mistake* in blogland (I do it myself) - but to have comments pointing out the mistake over two months ago and doing nothing to correct is just a trifle lazy or complacent. And anyway, the mental juxtaposition of food and bowels is just plain yucky (even if one is necessary to digest the other).

(* One that proofing rather than a spellchecker would pick up.)

Read the whole article - which is otherwise informative and nicely illustrated, here.

"The guillotine was invented in Halifax in Yorkshire in the 16th century. The French Revolution's Dr Guillotin did not invent the device; he merely recommended its use to the National Assembly. His ancestors changed their name to avoid being associated with the machine." - QI column, Telegraph Weekend, 12th May

Obviously, he invented a time machine though. Otherwise, how could his ancestors have retrospectively changed their names? (And why did he revert to the old one?)

As I have pointed out before, it is a bit odd that a column devoted to interesting facts seems to get it wrong more often than one might hope for. Perhaps they should save up for a sub-editor to check these things a bit more carefully? Especially in the edition of E facts that includes Errors.

On BBC's Working Lunch today, the quaintly-named Blaire Palmer was introduced as an author of self-help books and "an executive coach" . Funny that - sometimes they overtake me on the motorway when I am pootling along in my old banger. Who'd have thought they could write books as well as transport well-dressed senior citizens on luxury outings?

Visit Ms Palmer's web site for a real jargonfest. Read it and snigger - or possibly be empowered and creativised. (Do you think we should tell her that someone has scribbled on it?)

I did a double-take opening a courier envelope today: on the flap, it says:

TEAR ALONG PERFORATATED EDGE PACKING SLIP ENCLOSED

- I wonder if the person who made the artwork wept when (if) they realised they now had 500,000 envelopes with a typo?

I can speak from personal experience that it's much easier to see others' mistakes. More than once when I worked for ICL, I'd get my finished manuals back from the printer, and after flipping through a few pages, spot a typo that was previously invisible during my painstaking proofing of the galleys!

Of course, in these days of electronic publishing, this isn't so common, but back in the 70s and 80s, we really did cut and paste with scissors and glue, and once committed to print, things stayed that way till all the copies were used up.

Funnily enough, I spotted another stray 'at' in the Telegraph money section, where someone was said to be 'flirtating' with an idea. English spelling is full of such heffalump traps: 'rotation' and 'rotating' is OK, but 'flirtation' and 'flirtating' is not. (If you go to the root verbs - rotate and flirt - you can see why of course, but I doubt the average journo worries too much about etymology when rushing to get copy finished. But don't they use spellcheckers?)

Which reminds me of Terry Pratchett's character Nanny Ogg, who 'knew how to start spelling "banana," but didn't know how you stopped' - hence her assertion that Bananana dakry is basicly Rum with a banananana in it.

This entry will describe one of the earliest whoopsies I know about (even earlier than the (in)famous Wicked Bible of 1631, which instructed readers that “Thou shalt commit adultery” in Exodus - a classic printer's error one assumes. (You can read about a lot more bible misprints too.)

Robert Cawdrey wrote one of the earliest English dictionaries, published in 1604. In his Table Alphabeticall of Hard Unusual English Words, he gives us:

anchoue, [a kind of] of fruite

- so, next time you order a pizza with anchovy, take heed!

You can read the entire text of this fascinating book online.

... and I am not talking turkey here.

"The tide is turning as leaders across Weymouth and Portland work closer to bring community stakeholders together through proactive consultation and clear constructive goals.

Our economy is reliant on our community and their confidence to use our services and purchase the products available, however how do we determine the level of customer service?" - Wessex Voice of Business magazine, May/June 2007

This - believe it or not - is the opening text of an article that (as far as I can tell) is promoting the importance of communication. Ironically, after reading this and the ensuing garbage several times, I am still unsure of what they are really trying to get across.

It's studded like a plum pudding with juicy buzzwords and PC sentiments, but sadly lacking in clarity. I hope they didn't pay a copywriter for it.

More buzzphrases from the same article in case you want to knit your own drivel:

reviewing service provision, inspiring for the future by recognising and celebrating today, steering committee, specific focus, initiatives and resources, cluster working, learning providers, establishing a framework, innovative solutions, blah blah blah ...

Time to knock off for the weekend, I think! Have a good one.

"... As far as banks are concerned, the Fraud Act 2006 must now be read with the bank antimony laundering obligations and banks will focus primarily on the source of the customers' deposits" - Mike Rainford writing in the FSB's Business Network magazine, Apr/May 07

This gem is taken from a generally incoherent and rambling article. Antimony (element 51 in the Periodic Table) is not, to my knowledge, that often washed, despite what the author says. Yet another example of when reliance on a spellchecker is no substitute for proofing and/or common sense. He might get away with it - as long as anyone doesn't bother to read too carefully. But they will, since you have to pore over the sentence and its companions before you conclude that the author probably doesn't know what he's on about either!

Obviously a surprisingly common mistake, although Google suspects it might not be what was intended.

Here's another paddle through the backwaters of reason from the same piece:

"With the rapid development of information technology and the prevalence of the personal computer has impacted on fraud, hence the new offence." Er, yes - what?

'In the last two years the sale of fruit and vegetable plants has trebled," says Tim (Godwin). "Food is the real in-thing ... and we are selling out-of-seed potatoes before it is even the right time to plant them.' - Caroline McGhie, writing in the Telegraph Property section last weekend

Well, I suppose it's too much to expect a property journalist to spot the rather odd hyphenation error in her copy - as even the horticulturalists get it wrong, as I report elsewhere!

I've heard of 'gone to seed', but never 'out of seed'. What the speaker meant, of course, was [selling out] of [seed potatoes].

Just a quick proofing would have revealed that the sentence as it stands is rubbish. But why bother with such lowly tasks when you have a spellchecker?

Related link: Telegraph online article

If you are going to make a spelling error, probably best not to put it on your home page in yellow caps on a purple background!

JCG Computers: the company that's going nowhere?

Other useful resources from the company:

http://www.jcgonline.co.uk - the world's sorriest blog (click the categories and you'll see why)

http://uwig.jcgonline.co.uk - good text for practising your proof-reading and grammatical skills (well, perhaps not on a Friday afternoon...)