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You are [insert random words here]
by loiswakeman @ 15 Apr. 2008 - 11:48:00

"Any Form. Any Document. Anywhere. Anytime.

You are global and local
You are agile and regulated
You are speed and quality
You are growth and lean"

You're what?

Who was paid to write this gibberish I wonder? I came across the Teleform site as I'm writing a user guide for a client. I thought I might find out more what the product did, but instead, I came across this wonderful jargon-fest:

"Cardiff Teleform is a cornerstone piece of the Cardiff Intelligent Document solution.   It is the only solution that allows you to unify all of your paper-based processes throughout the enterprise, even processes in different departments, businesses and geographies.   This unified approach ensures you a consistent experience and full auditability of all of your processes.  TeleForm’s bullet-proof enterprise-class design ensures zero down time and unlimited scalability as the number of documents flowing through TeleForm increases. "

I nominate this for the Golden Bull Award. It's as stuffed with meaningless clichés as a plum pudding is with dried fruit. Yummy.

I think it could be summarised as "This product assists your business by automating data capture from forms." But I could be wrong, of course.

3 comments | Permalink | Recommend this post
Tags: jargon, marketingspeak,

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tylluanpenrytylluanpenry pro
15/04/08 @ 12:21

A curious piece of BS - especially considering in South Wales we speak glorious Wenglish.... left to an average Valleys boy, we could have come up with something so much more surreal.... ahem.... :

"Cardiff Teleform is lovely idea. We don't know exactly what it does of course because that's an huuuuge secret. But we can all get together see, and do all the stuff you'd normally expect us to do, plus have a good natter at the same time.
"Our Dewi's got an O Level in geography and Mrs Anubis Evans says she has an MBA in business studies, but we're not sure about that, so you'd better check that up for yourself. She's pretty nosey though, and always knows what's going on, so this might do the trick for the 'full auditability' stuff.
"We have now stopped our staff watching spaghetti westerns during work time... apart from getting repetitive, all those shoot outs have been getting to our more nervous members of staff, and I am sick of falling over them when they are cowering on the floor. Management have refused to provide them with bullet-proof vests, so our only option was to cancel our subscription with Sky.
"We hope to get much more efficient when we actually get some work to do...."

:)

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loiswakemanloiswakeman [Member]
http://lois.co.uk
15/04/08 @ 14:07

Look you ;)

I wonder if Mrs Trellis could also come up with a translation?

(I attended University College Swansea in the 70s, so can just imagine the lovely soft lilt of the speaker.)

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SeasideManSeasideMan pro
15/04/08 @ 13:36

Ugh, that's terribly unintelligible. I once had a computer manual with this stamped on the cover in block capitals, bold and a huge font:

"The information in this manual has been carefully checked for accurate"

The bulk of the manual was even worse.

declining language standards are something I often get on my high horse about. Your examples are really appalling business-speak, clearly churned out by a marketing person with no clue about readability or grammar. All the business buzz-words are present and correct,

Cheers, Tom.

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